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|Saturday, August 13th, 2005|
|"I take it back. Shoot him."
So, I totally had a WONDERBOYS moment last week. As some of you know, I've been doing some publishing work this summer. The other day, I threw a file folder box filled with a 430 page manuscript into the back of my car and headed for the 405. I hit the freeway with my windows all rolled down and was doing a comfortable 70 mph when suddenly the inside of my car was engulfed in a swirling cloud of papers. I started yelling and frantically trying to roll up all my windows. I only lost two pages, and two more got half-crumpled when they were caught in the windows as I rolled them up, but it sure was a bitch putting them all back in order. The whole event cracked me up, though...it was one of those things I wish I could have witnessed from someone else's vehicle.
"Do you get high, Sam?"
"Only when I"m working."
|Sunday, July 31st, 2005|
You know I only do these when I'm avoiding work (which in this case is writing a glossary for a textbook on globalization). Anyway, it's too hot for me to be up in the computer room and be expected to THINK.
A – Accent: Nada.
B - Breast size: 38 triple D
C - Chore you hate: taking out the garbage--it makes me gag
D - Dad's name: Timothy Bruce Anderson
E - Essential make-up: Lancome Flextencils mascara
F - Favorite perfume: haiku by Avon
G - Gold or Silver?: silver
H - Hometown: Auburn
I - Insomnia: not really
J - Job title: currently, research assistant
K - Kids: nope!
L - Living arrangements: I'm living at my dad's house for one more month, then I move in with Jean, Dominique, and Madeleine--the WC house!
M - Mum's birthplace: [Christmas] Twin Falls, Idaho
N - Number of apples you've eaten: how would I ever know this? anyway, I don't really like apples anymore
O - Overnight hospital stays: I was 5 and diagnosed with diabetes. I was in the hospital for a week, of which I have only fleeting memories. The boy in the next bed and I made paper airplanes, my friend Melissa visited and gave me a Paddington Bear and a balloon, a baby in the same room that wouldn't stop crying. My frist shot of insulin.
P - Phobia: Bugs. ESPECIALLY if they are in my house and I have to kill them and listen to the crunching sound. I don't mean to be a girl, but if there is anyone else around I scream and cry and make them kill it.
R - Religious affiliation: I was raised Catholic, and sometimes claim to be if it suits my interests at the time.
S - Siblings: MY LITTLE BROTHER IS MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD! I also come equipped with three step-sisters and a boy and girl that I consider my step-siblings even though our parents are not married and probably never will be.
T - Time you wake up: erraticly different depending on the day
U - Unnatural hair colors you've worn: none, except for this one time Becca, Nicole and I dyed our hair in high school. I refused to bleach mine first, so the blue came out kind of a dark gray which almost nobody noticed.
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: brussel sprouts--it's cliche for a reason!
W - Worst habit: rudeness/snobishness--I'm really a nice person I promise!
X - X-rays you've had: foot, back, some other stuff probably
Y - Yummy foods you make: mushroom soup, parmesan chicken, bread pudding
Z - Zodiac sign: gemini
Last night I saw my first love for the first time in two years. Was he my first love, really? Probably not. That's giving both of us a little too much credit, that's looking at things a little more optomistically than I generally like to. As usual, my flair for the melodramatic deceives me. But, to be brutally honest, he was the first one to hurt me, the first one to deeply confuse me and turn me spiteful. He was the first one I got revenge on, only to find it deeply unsatisfying. Revenge only villanizes you further, makes you hurt more, makes way for the real enemy: guilt.
This reunion was the most benign of them all. I enjoyed myself...it's fun to slip back into old patterns. After all this time, the spark is still there...the banter, the familiarity, the connection...something I haven't really felt in longer than I care to acknowledge. "We're getting along so well, now that there's nothing at stake."
I feel unfair saying this, because I wish it wasn't true and I hope he wouldn't think something similar about me, but nothing's changed with him, really. He was exactly as I remembered him, in the most maddening ways. I wish I could say that with time I grew to understand him, that in hindsight it all makes so much more sense...but no, not really. In that way, though, it all does sort of come full circle: I was reminded why I was drawn to him, and reminded why it ended. Simultaneously satisfying and unsatisfying. I always want more from people: a further explanation, perhaps, when it is most impossible. Maybe I really haven't changed either.
"Now that I'm more or less safe from him, and him from me, I can recall him with fondness and even in some detail, which is more than I can say for several others. Old lovers go the way of old photographs, bleaching out gradually as in a slow bath of acid: first the moles and pimples, then the shadings, then the faces themselves, until nothing remains but the general outlines. What will be left of them when I'm seventy? None of the baroque ectasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. A word or two, hovering in the inner emptiness. Maybe a toe here, a nostril there, or a mustache, floating like a little curl of seaweed among the other flotsam."
--Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eye
|Thursday, June 16th, 2005|
Beth and I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith last night. I should remind myself that I generally don't like action movies. I really REALLY didn't like this one. Actually, a main problem is that I really, really HATE Angelina Jolie, and any movie with her in it has some MAJOR handicaps to overcome to win me over. The best part of the movie was the icee I had--it made my throat feel better (I have a cold!).
Grades came out! I got all As and a B+ in Econ (a miracle!). I was looking at my transcript (cum. GPA 3.834) and all my econ and political econ classes are the ones I got low grades in, but that's the stuff I want to study in grad school. Curious, no?
|Tuesday, May 31st, 2005|
OMG THEY FOUND OUT WHO DEEPTHROAT IS!!!! Current Mood: excited
|Saturday, May 28th, 2005|
This day has been the biggest waste of time, I don't even know how to explain it to anybody. I should be in a worse mood about it, but just the fact that I have time to waste is kind of pleasing.
Today, I found out that I got an A on my thesis! While this is not really a surprise (you HAVE to get an A or you don't get credit), I'm in awe that it's over and that my advisor approved. I have strong suspicions that she gave me a grade finally just so she wouldn't have to read it another time, but at this point, I'll take what I get. Maybe when I decide to reenter academia at some point, I'll resurrect this project and get it in tip-top shape, but considering I haven't the slightest clue when that will be, I remain unconcerned!
Today I was talking on the phone to my buddy Heather and thinking about how much I adore her. We got diabetes at the same time and we've been friends ever since our parents met in some sort of support group (16 years ago!). We hung out last weekend before we went to our other diabetic friend's grad party, and we sort of did stuff we used to do when we were in junior high (i.e. wander around Target at the South Hill Mall). Maybe I'm just feeling weepy about my pending graduation and the inevitable moving on of another group of friends, but I'm really thankful for Heather. She's been pretty aggressive about keeping up our friendship while I've been overcommited at school the last few years. Now she's in grad school, so I've got to live up to that expectation (something, many of you know, I'm not very good at). Unfortunately, she's not going to be able to go to camp this year due to her collegial commitments, so for the first time I'm going to be on my own. That fact is disappointing in its own right, but this is also the last year I can say with certainty that I will be at camp. I don't ever want to stop going, but I think you reach a point with almost every project where you have to move on, whether by choice or not. Purpose of this rant? Undeterminable...
So I was talking to my boss a week or so ago about my roommate (she's in his class this quarter). He was asking how our relationship was doing, and I said fine, except that she just annoys me from time to time, and my expectations of that ever changing are very small. Then he informed me that his wife annoyed him too, and that it was just a fact of living with someone. While this isn't necessarily a very profound reflection, it did kind of make me reevaluate my claims about my roommate. It is possible that I've been too hard on her. But who am I if not a demanding, self-centered bitch?
So, has anyone heard the songs Suffering posted on myspace? I can't stop listening to "As You Like It." I remember the first time I heard that song live I couldn't wait to listen to it over and over... Current Mood: sick
|Friday, May 27th, 2005|
Man, I had to take some allergy medicine this morning and now I feel sorta stoned. I've been sitting in the WC in some sort of haze just staring at everyone and making half-assed attempts at productivity. I hope this stuff gets out of my system soon. At least it's not claritin, which makes me a little crazy and weepy.
Last night I reconnected with an old friend I haven't actually seen in over four years. We are going to be friends-with-benefits, but the benefits are limited to spooning and watching movies! This is all I've ever wanted in life.
I can't imagine getting to the end of this day. I'm supposed to go drinking and gay dancing with some buddies tonight, but I don't know if I have it in me. Fridays are always the worst because I'm SO spent from the busy week, I'm usually not game for any high-intensity activities, especially drinking and dancing. I don't know why I always make plans for Friday then!
This weekend is going to be so great. On Sunday I'm driving over to my parent's cabin for the day to lounge in the sun drinking rum-and-cokes, grading papers, and reading the book I just started (Jeffrey Eugenides' Middlesex). I'm really looking froward to it. I'm also trying to work in a movie and pizza night with my brother. For no reason in particular I've been craving family attention of late. Curious. Current Mood: high
|Friday, April 29th, 2005|
THREE NAMES I GO BY:
THREE SCREENAMES I'VE HAD:
uh oh...I've only had one!
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
my bubble butt!
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
my "tree trunks," aka my arms
hair--it's boring these days
my stubby fingers
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
cell phone (how lame am I?)
my mexico bracelet
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
gray hooded sweatshirt
sandals (despite the wretched rain!)
earrings from retail therapy
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (right now):
"El Kilo" by Los Orishas
"White Room" by Cream
"Sweepstakes Prize" by Mirah
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
the end of the quarter
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
THREE KIDS' NAMES YOU LIKE:
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
live in a Spanish-speaking country
have a kid
go to grad school
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY/GIRL:
I love Pretty Woman and Dirty Dancing
I scream over every male I think is cute
THREE CELEB/CHARACTER CRUSHES:
|Tuesday, April 26th, 2005|
|it's simple and so complicated
I feel compelled to update, but I have no purpose. I'm in a perpetual state of giddiness these days, in part because of the gorgeous weather and in part because in seven weeks I graduate from college. I don't really know what's going to come next. I wish I wasn't so limited by my reliance on top-notch health insurance. My vague notion of the next year of my life includes: auditing Spanish classes at SU, scoring an internship at the WTO (or some other international stuides related place), getting a relatively flexible job at a grocery store or some such (for benefits), and perhaps running the Writing Center while my boss is on sabbatical during winter quarter. My roommate is moving back to Sac in July, so I'm going to move home for a month and then move in with Jean and Dominique (they rent a big house on 20th and Alder). I was looking forward to getting my own place, but was seduced by the low rent. With all my friends going fantasic places, I'm going to have a lot of traveling to do, and why not save $200/month and make a few sacrifices RE: my living situation? Plans include visiting Alex and Carlyn in DC, Shawn in Africa, Mary in Mexico, in addition to the trip to LA and San Francisco Bethie and I have in the works. I'm actually really excited to move on to the next stage. I think...
After taking a long break, I'm back into the drinking rotation again. I think since it's spring quarter I'm just in the mood to let go and be irresponsible, which I'm accomplishing at a rapid rate. For instance, I had approximately 2.5 hours to study for my econ midterm on Monday. Instead of studying, I sat outside under a friendly tree, chatted with friends who dropped by, and made phone calls. I took the exam having looked at my notes briefly (after skipping the class BEFORE the exam which was used to learn new material we'd be tested on as well as review). Prognosis: I hope I got a B. We'll see, there was about six questions that I pretty much guessed on. It's unfortunate, really, but I'll probably, for once, get what I deserve. At this point, I don't really care about my GPA enough to really try.
So tonight I'm having drinks with a high-maintenance ex-boyfriend. In an ill-advised streak of nostalgia, I called this guy I used to date. I can't help these impulses sometimes, and they always lead to no good. I was driving past UW one day and thought of him, and was like, man, we're graduating soon, I should call him before we're never in the same country again. His first sentence to me was, "Dude, you totally suck," which was what I was afriad would happen becuase I was sort of...not careful with his feelings the last time I talked to him. Which, might I add, was totally not my entire fault because he's SO needy I can hardly stand it. Anyway, so after I called him I realized I really didn't want to see him but that now I couldn't avoid it, especially since he calls me all the time and leaves messages like, "I hope you're not intentionally avoiding me." And the thing is, I'm NOT intentionally avoiding him, I'm just really busy, and no one should expect to call me up and that I'll be free to hang out that night. For example, the next free time I have is on Sunday. Anyway, no matter how much I explain to him, and bitch at him for trying to guilt me into stuff, he's still being a pain in my ass. So I finally decided that I should just get it over with, and we're hanging out tonight, and I'm just going to see how it goes. Details to follow.
My thesis advisor gave me the most VAGUE feedback on my thesis, which is so annoying because we're supposed to meet tomorrow about my supposed revisions, and there have been none since I don't understand her comments and it kind of sounds like a lot of work, and as I've already established, I've gotten more lazy than normal. Please be thinking of me tomorrow at 3:45 and sending me positive vibes.
I can't figure out a way to avoid ending this post abruptly. Goodbye!
|Friday, April 1st, 2005|
Going to Tijuana was, in a strange way, like coming home. Perhaps I was well prepared for what I was going to see, but at first the sights of poverty didn't inspire a deep emotional reaction in me, and merely confirmed what I already feel and know. As the week moved along, and I spent more time speaking with the people we were working with (in second-grade level Spanish!), I realized I didn't want to leave. Ever. And the thought almost killed me. My parents are now scared I'm going to disappear into Latin America, etc. Oh well. If I can figure health insurance stuff out, I'm definitely moving south sometime in the near to distant future. I'm so inspired to learn Spanish and just go. Fuck grad school, field work is way more rewarding. Grad school can go on the back burner for awhile, I'm ready for something personal and meaningful.
The week was not without its share of drama. I was concerned, knowing a certain boy who shares a certain history with me was going to be on the trip, that I wouldn't be able to be present to the mission. While it didn't necessarily detract from my work, things did get complicated. Long story short: I made myself vulnerable, opened myself up to actually feel something, and got played (FOR THE SECOND TIME IN A YEAR) by someone generally considered one of the nicest guys at our school. I'm still in mild shock and annoyed with myself. The worst part was, because of my involvement with him, I completely missed out on the opportunity to start something with an amazing person that was interested in me. The missed opportunity and the knowledge that I'd made the wrong choice only made my disappointment more acute. There's always email, although I promised myself I'd never do another online relationship. For him, though, I would make an exception. We'll see.
For those of you keeping up with the drama: I still haven't finished my thesis. It was due about two weeks ago.
|Wednesday, March 9th, 2005|
|Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005|
Today Rebecca sent me the link to pictures of a party we went to while I was in San Francisco. It made me all smoopy and sad and I seriously contemplated going back down there in like a month...more news as it develops. I'm just so BORED here. I'm tired of my cold-weather wardrobe, my hair which lacks complete style as I've just let it grow for about six months, my responsibilities, my work, and most of all, writing. I've written 1-2 papers a week this quarter, which may have something to do with why I have yet to start my 30 page paper when I have less than three weeks before it is due. Oh well, today I spent a lot of time gathering material, and I'm going to take a stab at my introduction in a few minutes here. It doesn't help that two of my best friends are away right now, leaving me to write emails, which I abhor normally even before you factor in how tired I am of writing. boo hoo, right?
So, okay, San Francisco = BEST TIME EVAR. I'm serious, I haven't had that much fun in a long time. I definitely got to hang out with some fun and cool people, and I look forward to seeing them the next time I go down there. It was like, my trip this time was as amazing as it was horrible and uncomfortable last time. So yay. Also, we went SHOPPING!!! I spent way too much money, but who gives a shit anyway. Also, the most interesting thing happened. At this party, I met my twin in the form of a 29 year old man. We were chatting and he was like, I'm in law school, and I was like, I thought about going to law school, and he was like, in undergrad I studied economics, and I was like, I LOVE economics, and he was like, yeah, I primarily focused on Latin America, and I was like, I PRIMARILY FOCUS ON LATIN AMERICA, and then he was like, Actually, I was born in Brazil, and I was like (practically screaming by now) I'M 'WRITING' MY THESIS ON BRAZIL!!!! How nutty! Anyway, it was encouraging to know that in one of the gayest cities on the West Coast, interesting and smart straight men still exist. No sign yet of that being true in Seattle. Too bad the only dude I actually found myself attracted to at la fiesta was the ONLY GAY ONE THERE!!! I wouldn't complain so much, but as explained earlier, I'm effin bored.
Bethie keeps sending me all these emails from Europe and I'm about to vomit. I want to travel so bad, anywhere. It's kind of promising that all the SU kids are scattering next year, and I've got plenty of possibilities lined up, including (the obvious choice) of hitting LA and SF again, in addition to New York, Boston, D.C., Mexico, and wherever Ashley Smashley gets stationed with the Peace Corps...we're hoping Africa. Anymore I just feel so claustrophobic, it's like the city is closing in on me. Maybe if I was more creative about how I spent my time here, I wouldn't feel like that so much. Please let me survive the next few weeks so I can make time for some sort of exploring or something.
So yesterday I read this book for my Modern Latin American History class, and it was about this group of illegal immigrants that tried to cross the border in Arizona and over half of them died, and it was like the biggest group to ever die, and the narrative of it was SO HORRIFYING. There's this one section where the author describes the six degrees of hyperthermia, and it was the most sickening thing I have ever read. Although I'm entirely undecided on how I feel about our border issues because both sides make good points, I realize something has to be done about this. It's one of those impossible things, like terrorism, where the debate is so polarized it keeps anything productive from happening. It killed me to read this book. I actually sort of felt like I was watching a Michael Moore movie... I agreed with the author's politics for the most part but his style was so irritating at times that it annoyed me.
In not totally unrelated news, I'm off to write my introduction. Where do you even start if you're going to introduce global trade?
|Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005|
Well, I just registered for classes for the last time in my SU career. Here it is, the FINAL QUARTER:
MW 1:35-3:40 Micro Econ w/ Forest
TTH 1:35-3:40 Ethics w/ Carl
TTH 3:45-5:50 Christian Buddhist Dialogue w/ Chan
Yay Core Requirements! I can honestly say that I feel I could amply advance in life without any of these courses. Sadly, SU doesn't think so.
Also, on Tuesdays and Thursdays I will be T.A.ing an English 120 class from 10-12:05. I'm doing it as an independent study, meaning I get to write some sort of large paper at the end of the quarter. The section of the course I get to focus on is the novel "Salvador," which deals with U.S. imperialism and foreign policy in Latin America (my first love!). Therefore, the focus of my independent study is "The Pedagogy of Teaching Literature in Society," i.e. teaching text in context. Thank god for this opportunity, as it will actually give me something to care about this spring.
I can't wait for next quarter, because it will mean my major and minor are complete, along with my bitch-ass thesis, which I've still not written a word of.
Oh well, I'm off to San Francisco tomorrow to forget my troubles! Until then, you can find me at my parents' house in Auburn doing homework.
|Thursday, February 17th, 2005|
|TV and music
Last night I was watching the Ashlee Simpson show, and they blasted "3 Away" by Pretty Girls. It really shocked me. Man, that band used to be awesome!
Also, tonight I watched a spectacular special on Michael Jackson on VH1, and I can't get "Ain't No Sunshine" out of my head. It's really the most phenomenal song I've ever heard. Don't be surprised if I buy the record tomorrow. His story, though. SO sad. Most depressing fall from grace ever.
(cable TV is the end of all productivity I possessed)
|Wednesday, February 16th, 2005|
So I'm updating now, and you know what that means...it means I have a paper, a primary source analysis on records of a transatlantic slave voyage, due tomorrow, and I don't want to work on it. Oh well.
So today I read The Motorcycle Diaries in its entirety for my Modern Latin America history class. That is one paper I AM looking forward to. I love revolutionaries! (Dr. King is my FAVORITE!)*
Today I also probably pissed my roommate off. Yesterday I was in a rush trying to finish my other paper on the social effects of the age of export expansion in Latin America AND blowdry my hair at the same time. I blew a fuse, and didn't replace it because I "don't have time" to go to the hardware store and buy some. By "don't have time," I really mean "I have Wednesdays off from school and work but I'm staying in Redmond and can't find reasonable directions to a hardware store." I'm selfish, because if I was staying at my house, it would be a different story. Oh well, fuck her. I'm sick of being the one who always has to take care of everything around the house. I guess if I was in her situation, I would be pretty pissed at me. But I'm pretty pissed at her frequently for burning my expensive candles when she's having sex with her boyfriend in our bathroom, among other transgressions. So judge me for being a bad roommate if you feel like it, but I DON'T CARE! Anyway, I left her a flashlight, and a voicemail suggesting she ask our apartment manager if she can borrow a fuse until I can get one on Friday (my errand day).
Since deciding not to go to Europe with her, and consequently go to New York with my Writing Center buddies instead, I have been on cloud nine. Also, this means I have the freedom to shop again (within reason).
So next Thursday I will be flying to San Francisco for four days of fun with my Valentine!!! We've been talking on the phone almost every day, and the level of sadness I feel at our separation will soon be coming to an end!!!
I keep forgetting there's no school on Monday, or for me no work. If I can maintain my current level of productivity, I might actually be able to write about ten pages of my thesis this weekend! Alex and I are camping out in the library on Saturday, which will at least hold me accountable for getting SOME amount of work done. Our library is far too boring to stay there for an extended period of time and not really do anything. Here's hoping!!!
*For Papashu, love Mama.
|Saturday, February 12th, 2005|
So Friday was a day of change.
I got my insulin pump. I was vaguely nervous about it because my appointment was with this nurse from camp who never liked me (presumably because I was loud as a kid, as most kids are). However, she was sooo nice and supportive and I ended up being really glad she was there to talk me through it. When it was time to inject my first site, I was so scared, I was shaking, but it ended up being alright and then I got really excited. This was totally a decision I had to make on my own. Whenever anyone pushed the idea at me previously, it just made me fight the change even harder. However, after I made the decision on my own, I started imagining pressing a button instead of taking an injection, and my attitude improved greatly. It's been a little weird, getting used to having something always attached to me. There were a few reckless moments during shopping today in the dressing room in which I forgot and accidentally yanked on my pump chord, which was mildly uncomfortable. Thankfully, I had Buddy (Heather) to talk me through some of the initial issues (moment of panic: What do you do with your pump when you go to sleep?). Already my bloodsugars have been SO much better, I know this is a positive change for me in terms of my health. As I told my brother today, "Maybe I won't die early." In response, he said he was really happy for me. I'm forging ahead. However, I was semi-proud of my status as the last diabetic standing who didn't have a pump. Oh well.
In addition, Mr. So-and-So and I decided to put an end to our affair Thursday night. I feel this decision was nothing but positive. He was starting to struggle with the morality of casual hook-ups, and I was starting to get sick of his whining and pussy-footing around. Basically, it came down to him wanting me to regulate him: if he called and was drunk or whatever, it would be my responsibility to say no. Which definitely pissed me off. I was like, dude, I'm not here to serve as your conscience or babysit your moral dilemmas that YOU MAKE FOR YOURSELF. Take goddamn responsibility for your actions. Anyway, I have needs too, and if you call and ask if you can come over, and I want you to, I'm not about to say no. I have needs too, and I'm sorry but my needs come before yours. I'm sick of sacrificing what I want for the dudes in my life. I've done it way too much in the past. It was like all of those times arose in my collective memory while Dude and I were having this discussion, and I gave him hell. So his response to all of this was "well aren't we friends first?" as in, don't you want to look out for me, etc... Then we started to discuss what our affair has meant to us and, realizing that we had both different intentions and different life outlooks, decided things just needed to end. Which I feel was positive, because even if we did continue, I can't imagine I would enjoy things knowing that deep down he has moral issues with the whole thing and emotionally doesn't feel comfortable. You know, that's not sexy. That doesn't make me feel good about continuing our ritual. His hesitation had begun to make things complicated and confuse me anyway, and the purpose for me at least was to avoid complication. So things will be fine. I still love the kid dearly, but it was very clear to me after the collapse that we really were never more than just friends because I didn't experience any feelings of loss that usually accompany the end of such things...you know, that thud in your heart, the way it drops or spasms when things take a turn for the worse. I know he'll still be there for me in the ways that count, and I value that much more than anything else. At the same time, then, I feel I should congratualte myself for pulling this whole thing off so well without it getting messy. It ended exactly where it should, and I have nothing but confidence in my abilities to handle myself in the future. Ultimately, I'm proud of the way I stood up for myself and what I wanted and voiced my irritations. I've never fully done that before, and I think it just shows that I've learned a great deal from my past mistakes. It makes me feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm ready to undertake something a little more meaningful. As much fun as the whole thing was, and as amazingly as we worked physically, there was a connection that was lacking. I will not miss passionless kisses. I will, however, miss those two hour conversations in bed. I was so comfortable with him, perhaps because we've known each other for four years now, perhaps because we've both been completely out of control and done stupid things in front of each other...who knows really. I feel, almost, that it was very rare to have something like this work, where we can do whatever, and then snuggle and share our feelings about other people and strategize about future possibilities. It's the most fun I've had with a straight man in a long time. At the beginning, I remember questioning myself, like there was somthing wrong with me. I'd be like, Man, he's such a cool guy and so interesting, the life of the party, absolutely gorgeous...what's wrong with me that I don't want to date him? It just wasn't there, it just wasn't right. I was listening to a Rilo Kiley song sometime during Fall quarter, I think, and I turned to (I can't remember who it was) the person I was with and said, "This song makes me want to love recklessly and get hurt and actually feel something again." This, I feel, is what was lacking with me and Mr. So-and-so, and while it was what I wanted, I think it's time for a change.
World, here I come!
|Thursday, January 27th, 2005|
Does anyone know any good websites to find cheap international airfare?
|Monday, January 24th, 2005|
|this is for me, not you. (ie I'm avoiding a paper)
1. your full name?
Tiffany Rose Anderson
2. grandparents' first names?
James and Thelma, Evelyn and Richard
3. what songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower, usually.
4. what did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
I watched this really scary Murder She Wrote once when Jessica Fletcher went into a castle and found a skeleton, and I had to sleep with my lights on. Also, there was this story that Valerie Morris found a gun in the forrest at school, and I had to sleep with the lights on. So. Skeletons and guns.
5. when and why did you last vomit?
Thursday, January 14, 2005, at approximately 5:20 a.m. I either had the flu or food poisoning.
6. whats in your pockets right now?
nothing. My pants are too tight to put stuff in there.
7. what color are your bedroom walls?
8. last thing that made you laugh?
James Tan's autobiographical essay.
9. nicknames your parents call you?
Tiff, Rosie, Sis...I also went through an embarassing stint as Bubble Butt.
10. best bed sheets you had as a child?
mine were PINK!!!
11. favorite childhood pet?
my bird Louie. he was cute.
12. any pets now?
Nope! Too much responsibility!
13. others describe your ass as?
See #9 for embarassing childhood nickname. Also, I've been told I have the body of a black girl.
14. do you like your teeth?
this is a strange one. I guess.
15. inny or outy?
16. things you shout to stupid drivers?
I don't like it when people yell at drivers. However, if I'm really upset, I say "Jesus Christ"
17. favorite bathroom?
Mine because it has ORIGINAL TILE FROM THE 1930s!!!! It's sexy.
18. bake or broil?
bake. I'm still not entirely sure what it means to broil something.
19. black olives or green olives?
I don't like olives, except for green ones in martinis.
20. what kind of phone do you own?
I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.
21. what's one of the strangest thing you ever chewed on?
I accidentally ate a mosquito once. Does that count as chewing?
22. is your music kept in a particular order?
23. where do you get your film developed?
24. if your skin could be any color of the rainbow, what would it be?
25. where did you go to pre-school?
Never do I remember.
26. strangest drug experience?
I don't do drugs. However, I'm alergic to anesthesia and it makes me barf and gives me crazy dreams.
27. favorite weather?
Cold and clear. Like today.
28. describe your fingernails?
I bite them, so they're very short and utilitarian. With some hangnails.
29. last time you had to go to the hospital?
When my Grandpa was dying about five years ago.
30. worst injury you've ever had?
My dad was building me a swing set when I was six and a 2x4 fell and broke my foot. Then my mom didn't believe me and tried to make me walk on it.
31. how do you like your chocolate?
ANY WAY!!! but I like it with caramel in the middle. or with nuts.
32. favorite kind of tape?
33. favorite thing to write or draw with?
blue ballpoint pen.
34. last movie you rented?
Maria Full of Grace with chris.
35. last movie you went to see?
A VEry Long Engagement with James and Meagan
36. were you a thumb sucker?
I don't remember.
37. how old are you?
38: What are your dreams like?
I hate it when people talk about dreams. WHO CARES???
Sometimes I think I see someone I know, but it's not the person I think it is. This happens a lot actually. I don't know if this is a hallucination though.
40. worst hotel you've ever been to?
I don't keep track of this sort of thing, and I dont' really have a horror story.
41. best vacation?
Washington, D.C. and Hawaii. It's a tie.
42. what languages can you speak?
english, y un poco espanol.
43. favorite house?
The blue one next to my apartment, because it has a turret. Who doesn't want to live in a turret???
44. favorite mode of transportation?
I like to walk, I guess.
45. favorite place to swim?
46. last porno you saw?
not sure...it was a long time ago.
47. last song you listened to?
RAFT OF DEAD MONKEYS because Dominique took my cd over summer and she spent fall quarter in Italy and I just got it back on Friday and I can't stop listening to the whole damn thing!
48. favorite kitchen utensil?
49. favorite driving songs?
50. what will you be doing tomorrow?
probably finishing my paper, going to class, having yaya lunch with Jean, going to class, working, then driving to Laurie's parents' house to dog-sit, and doing online research for my thesis. I can't lie. I'll probably watch cable TV while I'm there.
First best friend: Kyle Finnegan. We drew on his mom's wall with her lipstick. Also, we used to play slug creatures, until i got stuck in my sleeping bag upside down and panicked and screamed until his mom unzipped me.
First ...car: 1994 Ford Escort. I totaled it.
First self purchased CD: Blackstreet
First pets: Lance. He was my parent's Saint Bernard. My first VERY OWN pet was my goldfish, Miss Piggy. My baby brother stabbed her with a piece of broken glass, and my mom tried to flush her but she wouldn't fit, so we put her back in the tank and she lived a whole nother month!
First piercing/tattoo: ears when i was six
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Alvin and the Chipmunks
Last cigarette: never.
Last good cry: two days after Christmas. I had a major breakdown in front of my family and everyone's significant other while at the cabin
Last movie seen on video/DVD: last night Jean, Dominique and I watched Robin Hood: Men in TIghts. My boss lent it to me because he was apalled that I hadn't seen it. Apparently it's "exactly my kind of humor." It was okay.
Last beverage drank: green tea
Last food consumed: pita chips RIGHT NOW
Last time showered: This morning.
Last shoes worn: black converse
Last annoyance: my mexico mission trek leader.
Last shirt worn: white long underwear shirt with pink flowers on it.
Last website visited: SU directory to access my loan info. sob.
What color socks are you wearing? white
What's under your ...bed? scrapbook material!
What time did you wake up today? 8:00
Where do you want to go? PERU
What is your career going to be? policy analyst.
Where are you going to live? I would like to someday live in Boston, but not permanently. I will definitely live somewhere in Latin America eventually.
How many kids do you want? one that comes from my very own uterus and then I will adopt many ethnic babies because they are so effin cute!
What kind of car(s): I want the opposite of a car. I can't wait to live somewhere where I don't need a g.d. motor vehicle!
Current mood: awake, but dreading my paper
Current music: never am I listening to music.
Current hate: people who ask me, "What are you doing after you graduate?" Also, student loans.
Have You Ever...
( x) kissed a member of the opposite sex?
( x)kissed a member of the same sex?
( ) crashed a friend's ...car?
( ) been to Japan?
(X) ridden in a taxi?
(X) been dumped?
( ) been fired or laid off?
( ) been in a fist fight?
(X) snuck out of your parent's house?
( x) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex?
( ) ever dated someone of the same sex?
(X) had feelings for someone who didn?t have them back?
( ) been arrested?
() made out with a stranger?
() bought a pair of $1 ...earrings?
( ) celebrated New Years in Times Square?
( ) gone on a ...blind date?
(X) had a crush on a teacher?
( ) celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans?
() been to Europe?
(x) skipped school?
() cut yourself on purpose?
( ) been married?
( ) gotten ...divorced?
( ) had children?
(x) seen someone die?
( ) been to Africa?
() Punched a friend?
(X) Been to Canada?
( ) Been to Mexico?
(X) Been on a plane?
(X) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
( ) Thrown up in a bar?
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire?
(X) Eaten Sushi?
( ) Been Snowboarding?
(X) Met someone in person from the internet?
(X) Been moshing at a concert?
( ) had real feelings for someone you knew only online?
( ) been in an abusive relationship?
( ) been pregnant or got someone pregnant?
( ) lost a child?
(X) gone to college?
( ) graduated college?
( ) tried killing yourself?
(X) taken painkillers?
(X) love someone or miss someone right now?
1. Nervous Habits? bite my nails, wiggle my pencil. football stance when flirting
2. Are you double jointed? no
3. Can you roll your tongue? yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? only my left one
5. Can you blow spit bubble? no! baranski and epling tried to teach me in eighth grade, and I was a failure.
6. Can you cross your eyes? yes
7. Tattoos? nope
8. Piercings and where? ears and cartlidge
10. Which shoe goes on first? right
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? I doubt it.
12. On the average, how much money do you carry in your walllet?: I try not to carry cash because I SPEND IT
13. What jewelry do you wear? earrings, and sometimes a necklace
14. Favorite piece of clothing? just one? impossible.
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirl
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? no
17. Favorite ice cream flavor? SHREK ICE CREAM!!!!! but it was discontinued
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? 4 kinds of dry, 5 kinds of oatmeal, and two boxes of malt-o-meal
19. What's your favorite beverage? DIET COKE
20. What's your favorite restaurant? for breakfast, the coastal kitchen. for a meal, Taste of India on roosevelt
21. Do you cook? yes, I'm surprisingly brilliant in the kitchen, except for custard.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE:
27. Animal? dinosaurs! or else I really like birds if I have to choose something not extinct.
28. Food? i love egg on toast, and canned green beans from my mom's garden. Not together.
29. Month? october
30. Day? tuesday
31. Favorite Cartoon Character? papa smurf
32. Shoe Brand? marc jacobs
33. Subject in school? political science
34. Color? green
35. Sport? volleyball to play, baseball and soccer to watch
36. TV show? Tie: Freaks and Geeks and The Wonder Years, although I've recently become obsessed with Arrested Development
IN AND AROUND.
41. In the CD player? RODM
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? Becca and my parents
43. Ever taken a cab? yes. a cab driver tried to kill me in San Francisco
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? yes.
45. What color is your bedroom? tan hardwood floors
46. Do you use an alarm clock? yes, but the kid upstairs usually wakes me up before it goes off
47. Window seat or aisle? window
LA LA LAND.
48. What's your sleeping position? i burrow into my body pillow on the wall and sleep on my stomach, with my arms under my pillow proppoing it up. I also like to put a pillow between me and the edge of the bed. For protection.
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? usually
50. Do you sleepwalk? nope
51. Do you talk in your sleep? not usually
52. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no
53. How about with the light on? never
54. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? no
|Wednesday, December 15th, 2004|
I'm in Laurie's bedroom right now and she doesn't get home 'til Monday. I'm doing what I do best: wasting time in order to avoid stressful deadlines. I'm supposed to be working on a chapter for a reader on globalization. The topic is terrorism and nuclear proliferation. However, as it turns out, students really DO need a break from school and I'm tired of research/writing/academia. So suck it. Here's this fun questionaire I stole from Josh in order to have an excuse to talk about myself.
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Heheh, this is scandalous, but I had my first hook-up with a black man. It was GLORIOUS!
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make new year's resolutions, because never would I keep them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. And thank god. I hate children.
(just joking. children are fine in the appropriate time and place.)
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not someone close to me, but several people close to my family, which was hard. My mom's friend/boss' wife committed suicide (she had ms) and my mom's boyfriend's friend's son died in a motorcycle accident. He was the one who bought my fabulously cute red car from me.
5. What countries did you visit?
none. Ask me next year!
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
fiscal responsibility. If I'm going to travel AND move to D.C. I need capital!
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 21. I was in San Francisco with Nicole and Becca, and the night resulted in a lot of illusions I had about my high school friends burning to the ground. It was the beginning of a fight/standoff/whatever you want to call it that didn't really get resolved for several months. Unnecessary drama, in hindsight, but at the time I was really upset and self-righteous.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
This isn't a huge achievement per say, but it is perhaps the best thing I did: becoming coordinator at the WC. It's led to a lot of fun times and getting close with cool people, and it has given me the space and the arena to explore myself and talents and be challenged in ways that I wouldn't have been without this job.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting my relationship with Ted go straight to hell. Not that it was entirely my fault, but you either accept people as they are, or you don't, and I'm still sad about the decision I made.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really. Last spring I somehow bruised the bottom of my foot and had to use crutches, which irriated me, so I didn't use them, and my foot didn't heal for like two weeks.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought this book of Goya's paintings that I really really like. I can't wait to see his stuff at the Prado this summer!
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My mom's. She's the rock of our family. If you ever need someone to fight for you, she's the best person to have on your side. I'm serious.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My brother's. It's not fair, but I sometimes wish I could live his life for him so he wouldn't get into so much trouble. I know it's not right, but I just want to protect him. I spent many days this year hurting and crying for him. And something tells me it's far from over.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Anthropologie. Sick, I know. I'm a clothes whore. Probably Easy Street too. Fucking James is always like, "hey, let's go to Easy Street." And then I leave with like ten new records and he doesn't buy a damn thing!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Beth's birthday party, and my vacation to California. Both ended badly too! Isn't that funny?
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Usher's "Yeah" for so many reasons. Hearing it at R Place and running up to the dance floor with Nicole only to find out they were playing different songs up there. Buying the record with my brother in Twin Falls, Idaho and blasting it while trying to get lost in that sick, sick place. Laying in Bethie's bed listening to it and gossiping. Calling her from Idaho to tell her I bought it and that I didn't know if it was because I really liked Usher or just because I missed her. Calling to tell Becca that she could be an indie fuck if she wanted but that I had fallen off the wagon, confessing my love for Usher to her, and then making her a mix with "Yeah" as a secret bonus track. That song was just everywhere!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? Neither, I think. I'm just cruisin', man! Anyway, I can't really remember my general state of happiness last year to compare it with now. Suffice it to say that I don't feel drastically different one way or another.
II. thinner or fatter? hehe. fatter. I drink too much! Oh well, when I've gotten all this out of my system, maybe I'll diet or something. (Yeah right!) Anyway, I'm always happy with my body! (You have to give the boys something to grab!)
III. richer or poorer? hmm...hard to say. I make more money now and have more jobs, but I still spend it all...so what does that mean?
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend time with my brother, read, travel, and see my friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Work, study, and worry about my future.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Brandon and I will be with mom on Christmas Eve! Per tradition, I'll stay up all night reading Catcher in the Rye. On Christmas, we're going to the hotel gala with the mafia. It will annoy me because Brandon and I will be the only ones there that don't look Italian, and no one will remember us because my dad always kept his distance from them, so we'll be re-introduced and immediately forgotten. And anyway, who wants to eat a catered Christmas dinner?
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
No. I made a point not to!
23. How many one-night stands?
None of your business!
24. What was your favourite TV program?
I don't watch TV, but if I did, it would be the Sopranos or Six Feet Under, which occasionally I watch on dvd with Bethie.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Who has the time or energy to hate anyone? Haha, wait, no, I have an answer. My roommate's boyfriend!!!
26. What was the best book you read?
The Price of Loyalty. It's about Bush and Paul O'Neill and I read it for my course on the Presidency.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Bad Plus. I mean, come on. Have you ever heard a jazz cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit or Black Sabbath's Iron Man? Even better is their original songs. Come back to Seattle please!
28. What did you want and get?
An apartment. It's so fucking cute, too, except we have to move because our neighbors are obnoxiously loud (their kid just learned to walk...and run is more like it).
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
The Motorcycle Diaries. Anytime I get scared of leaving this place and following my heart and all that, I think of that movie, I think of Che, and I know I can never just stay here and not try. Cold Mountain gets runner up for best sex scene I have ever witnessed.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Oh Lord, I had the best birthday ever. I drank martinis at the Chapel, then I think we may have just planted ourselves at Rosebud. Then we went streaking around campus, and I got a ride home from Ben and Sean, who pushed me in some sort of shopping cart!
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Sexual trysts with that christian kid I was after. There's still time...we're going to Mexico together!! I WILL break him down...
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Hmm...I definitely had the layering effect happening all over the place.
34. What kept you sane?
Kicking back with a beer and some friends, or locking myself alone in my apartment and watching movies or reading or doing some sort of crazy art project. Also, organizing my closets.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Tie: Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Gael Garcia Bernal. Three gorgeous, talented men.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don't get stirred by political issues, I study them.
37. Who did you miss?
Becca, Chris, Laurie and Nicole. Seeing everyone at break isn't nearly satisfying enough.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Alex. She's my polisci home girl and from where I'm at now, I don't know what I would do without her.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
If you don't leave room for people to change, then inevitably they will disappoint you, but if you expect them to change, they will also disappoint you.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
no. I don't remember song lyrics very well, and anyway, it seems like whatever I choose will be too pretentious and not fit exactly. And I refuse to participate just for shits and giggles.
|Saturday, November 20th, 2004|
I'm still here, I've just been on hiatus. I've been overwhelmed and busy, trying not to sink to the bottom. I'm currently mired in both work and mild romantic drama, and greatly looking forward to Thanksgiving break. I want to see the old crew, eat lots of sweet potatoes, snuggle with bony little Becca, drink with Chris, and most of all sort through the madness I'm living through with people who KNOW me better than my current support system.
Tonight my coworker is throwing a Thanksgiving party for the writing center, and making an incredible spread. Indeed, and the wine will be flowing! I really love my coworkers...this quarter, I feel like if I didn't work with such cool people, I would never find time to have a social life. Work has become my center of friends, and anytime I really do anything fun, it's usually with my coworkers. Although, I think I've made some cool friends this quarter in the Political Science contingent as well! I think it's going to be cool next year when everyone scatters and I have a bunch of cool cities to visit. College is so fascinating for that, because most people you know actually end up doing pretty amazing things all over the world.
Although I'm currently juggling papers and personal research for my thesis, I feel somehow at peace. The chaos has actually inspired me I think...I'm looking forward to moving on from this quarter though. My political philosophy class has actually surprised me by holding my attention, while North-South Relations has gotten on my nerves a little bit. Maybe it's just because I feel a little bored with the subject matter now that it's like my fourth international class! The themes start to get a bit redundant, especially at a small school where there's only one professor who specializes in my topic of interest. Actually, at the end of this quarter I will have completed my major, with the exception of the actual writing, presenting, and defending of my thesis, which looks like it's going to be on Brazil's leadership role in the WTO. I'm convinced now that I want to study political economy and development, specializing in Latin America, at grad school. I went to talk to my top six schools when they were at the UW this quarter, and I think I can do it. I just have to take some extra economics courses and another year of Spanish, as well as get internationally-focused internships. I'm thinking of trying to get one at the WTO downtown. I also heard about a cool one working with international refugees. But it's too early to worry about that now. Somehow, I also have to find some sort of job with a flexible schedule that gives me benefits, because I really don't want to move home. I think my roommate and I will move out and find a cheaper place that isn't so goddamn loud. I want to live in a house again, but we'll see.
As for next quarter, I am only taking ten credits of classes, and both history! Modern Latin America and Workshop in World History, both from one of my favorite professors! These classes will complete my minor and then just have a few general requirements left for the last quarter, upper level theology and ethics. I'm also keeping an eye on post-colonial lit, and I'll probably end up overloading to take micro econ as well. It's almost weird to have everything so well planned, I feel like it almost robs me of any sort of agency.
You know what was weird? James, Beth and I went to a show on Thursday (These Arms Are Snakes) and I realized it was the first show I went to since Bumbershoot, which in all honesty I didn't even enjoy that much. The show on Thursday was fun, but more in a nostalgic way than anything else. I think I'm fading from this whole thing. I don't even listen to music any more. When I get home, I'm so tired and my brain is so over-loaded I just want silence. It's weird to feel like a stage of my life has passed me by. I knew this would happen, but I still wasn't fully prepared.
My brother has continued to give me heart attacks this quarter. But I've been trying to see him about once a week because I think he really needs me. My family is the one thing I'm afraid to leave in a year. Sometimes I feel like it's my responsibility to hold them all together, but it will be nice to pass the torch on to my brother. I told him when I'm gone we'll have to be sure to see each other once a month, because I have this sense that it's always been and always will be me and him against the world.
Well, I have plenty more to write about, but Meagan is here and I have to talk to her re: romantic drama. Real people are better than the internet any day.